Ohhhhhhh the amount of cookery programmes that are on TV, YAY!!!!!!

i watched nigella (licking a whisk covered in melted chocolate.....) and then i watched rachel and thank you jesus.

everybody's home now so i shall be going out today in strange galway bars where everyone is far far afar (a whole other level) drunker than anyone gets in london and where the boys wear stripped shirts and jean and the girls wear jeans and heels.

the catagories of girls there are here are like sporty tom boys/hippies/goths.

im not sure if i fit into any of those categories. i am a bit of a tom boy, but i dont really do sports and im far less of a tom boy than these girls, im not a hippie and im not a goth though i do enjoy black.

the boys all wear ROADS, which are baggy cords. everybody here still LOVES baggy and flared. I think my skinny jeans confuse them. Oh and they adore their hoodies. oh yes yes yes they do, boy and girls.

eveybody has a dog/cat or both. people talk to you on the street and in bars and boys hit on you ALL THE TIME and dance in your circle like total pratts. people are not pretentious. people are fools, have no shame, simply dont give a shit.

eveyone goes for walks. my friends will call and say, are you coming for a walk? and we'll go and walk the dogs down by the sea.

hm yeah should walk the dog actually.

everyone has a car.

everyone is chilled.

everyone is up for a party.

Awww i like it here. but im not really one of them. i take the bus. i get super stressed. im very ambitious. i got over flares awhile ago. but is nice to be here for now.

ohhhhh yesterday i went to see the old house, i lived there when i was about 11-14. my parents tryin to sell it at the moment. i hadnt been in it for about 6 years i'd say. it was bizarre. i always read/heard that things would seem smaller cause you'd gotten bigger. and its so true. everything was small and fragile when i remember it as big and sturdy. it's a nice house. my dad was keeping it for me. i think hes finally given into the idea that i probably wont ever live in galway again. i told my mom about how i used to climb out my window and sit on the roof. she has a small heart attack.

i went up to my room here, in my current house. and i looked on the shelf and there are these letters. i dont remember them being there. and i look closer and shit, i know that writing. there are about 10 letter. and i wonder if my mom read them. and i pray she didnt. love letters. i wonder why they are there though, i havent seen them in years, i hadnt thought about them. but there they are. gucci rush. and i sit on the floor and i think, no no dont read them dont cause you'll cry just dont. so i look at the envelopes. so girlie. with glittery stickers and flowers. i look into, i look at all the diffferent coloured bits of paper. i read:

the only thing i have left to say is,

i miss you,

i want you,

STOP and i stop and I close the letter.

i turn another one around in my fingers. i look inside.

'Rose Madder, acrylic paint, the storm'

it's sealed with a star.

I open it, i have no memory at all of this.

its a red painting of a storm and its beautiful.

i put it back in the envelope.

i look at the writing on the front.

i put them back on the shelf.

note to self, put in the box in in the drawer in london.

i wonder about throwing this stuff out.

i dont think i will though.

i understand that it may be cleansing to do so.

but we loved each other.

and its nice to have something to remember good times, to remember there can and was and will be.

thinking

drifting

timeless time passing

floating

fuzzy

so this girl i dated once is online. she was lovely. shes very tall and bleach blonde. and im thinking about first kisses.

ive been day dreaming for hours.

not about her

though she did leave me for a boy at a point when i really wasnt ready to give her up, but anyway. not her.

though she was a lovely lovely lovely kisser

*drifts*

hmmmmm hi hi

right sorry.

but look im not talkin to her. well done me.

I remember kissing x for the first. i remember reinacting this incredible first kiss like a thousand times after the event. it was never the same though... though still nice.

shes really pretty, x. she has a round face and almond eyes and a freckle in one of her irises and on her palm. i own that freckle, the one of her palm. i have a signed piece of paper that gives me ownership. and i keep that piece of paper in a box and in a drawer in my bedroom, and when i open that box, which i dont, it smells of gucci rush.

stop.

back to kissing. sorry. sorry. stop.

i think the best kiss i've ever had was from this boy in uni. we were playing football in the corridor in his flat and his flatmate was there too. the ball got kicked into the little like I dont know, storage room place, really tiny, had the hoover and a mop or something in it. so the ball got kicked in and the boy whos name escapes me, anyway he pulls me into this tiny little room and pulls the door shut and its totally completely black dark. and I can feel his body but i cant see anything and he kisses me. black out and im lost.

you know maybe that wasnt the best.

there have been some damn good kisses.

sex.

hm.

sex is. i just. i could do without sex. easily.

i think about all those people who are like, 'im gonna save myself for marriage' and i think, shite you're gonna be disappointing. cause you've waiting god knows how long and it's just gonna be such a let down, god its so overrated.

i wanna go back to just kissing.

cause kissing is. good and nice and i believe that you want me then.

id be such a crap fuck buddy. id just be like, 'sorry what do you mean you had sex with someone else?' and, 'nah lets not bother having sex lets just watch Buffalo 66 on DVD!'

im really quite difficult. you REALLY have to convince me if you wanna have sex with me. ill snog you. i may even go out with you. and ill definitely love you but sex. hm, yeah, convince me. and even when you think you have me, ill probably be some place else. sorry.

giving is a lot easier than taking.

like tieing up is a lot easier than being tied.

she's still online.

it's ok. i wont talk to her. dont worry. i know u think im needy but fuck off. this isnt about me being needy, this is about you pretending you dont need me and making me feel like a shit for being needy. it's normal ok, stop making me feel like im desperate and clingy.

everybody is confusing me at the moment. everybody is tellin me things and i dont know the answer. i have no idea i have no idea. i dont want to be wrong and i dont want to ruin everything and i hate all this unknown, i hate games.

kissing

i dont day dream about sex.

i day dream about kissing. about first kisses about the tension before the kiss about the fear and anxiety, about the aching.

but there are no kisses.

i dont think there will be kisses.

not. no.

and its ok.

cause i think i've convinced myself that i dont want them. and cause soon enough the convincing will start being real. i know it will. im rejected.

so i went for lunch with the smeg and then we walked round and were generally bums and it was really nice and now shes gone away.

shes going skiing til the 3rd.

and she said, 'genie will look after you wont she?'

and i said, 'yeah.'

Genie is another friend of ours. it used to be the three of us. like totally meshed and gelled. but now genies kinda drifted. she called me the other night and shes coming home (she lives in dublin now) on saturday so i'll see her then for awhile.

i dont know.

itll be good to see her.

she was/is still one of the good guys.

So i was standing waiting for smeg to turn up (i forgot that irish time means half an hr later than arranged) and i was looking at the people. they're so wind swept. and their clothes are different than ours. their clothes are all rugged and worn. they're sea people. and their voices are all husky like they've been mixed with rocks. i like galway. theres so much water. we;re by the sea and on top of the river and the current moves so fast and strong and cold.

sometimes i wish i lived here again.

but i could never be so close to my parents.

and i couldnt handle the laid back nature of everything.

really irish people are so good at having fun and chatting and making you feel welcome and warm. but they're not the best at organising things or being on time and they're not very driven. they're all, lets go to australia for a year. OK! its nice. but. i dont know. i feel like an adult when i come back here. all my mates here are med students, so basically they're students. which is odd, cause all my mates in london are ADULTS. it's hm, strange.

i didnt get to bring the dog out today. i should have.

smegs mom picked us up from town and her brother evan was there too. evan is 18, 19 in feb and he and I have flirted for far too many years now. he is OBVIOUSLY too young for me and i so do NOT fancy him. but its just one of thsoe things, ya know, you flirt with your best mates little brother.... its the law! their family is so different than mine. they like chat to each other! and they like listen to one another and know about whats going on in each others minds and lives and heads. its really nice. they look after each other. i hope my family's like that when i have one.

 EDIT: SMEG BOUGHT ME FLUFFY PINK SLIPPERS

so i went out in galway and went to a bunch of pubs looking like a loon in a red hoodie and a santa hat.

we sold loads though, made about a grand between the 7 of us. WOOP.

and a man said i was cute, sad im so sad, some random man on the street who im selling a hat to says, ' offense to any of you, but that is a cute girl' and im like, awwww *swoon,* he was hammered and i looked like a  tomato, moving on!

so my brother is here. lets call him Oddball. I dont think i've seen him in about 2 years. and i get in, all tomatoed out giggling and hes there sitting at the table with my parents. hes exactly the same. hes an asshole. everything about him disgusts me. and im not being judgemental. i tried. i tried so in the beginning but i was never good enough to be his friend/sister/anything. so yeah whatever. 

oh wow that was very defensive.

and you know the thing is, i think im pretty good at the whole understanding human nature thing, ya know? like i think i kinda am anyway, like usually i wont just be like, yeah they're a dick, ill be like, no theyre like that because of this and blah blah and ill learn to understand them and whatever. but with him. he's just a dick. and before he got here i was like, 'he better not touch my dog.' i hate him around her. So so so so much. ok and im not a very controlling person, i dont think, like im pretty chill like that, you can come cook in my kitchen any time and its all good. but i hate him around her-amber-my dog. i hate how he talks to her. i hate how he touches her. i hate that he throws her and catchs her and i see her squirm and i shit, no, i really, i hate him.

and i dont know why!

also the toes on my right foot are sore, i think they might be cold, i just dont know, i mean they are socked.

so im going selling freaking santa hats for charity tonight. there you go, ive done my bit, can we stop talkin about jesus now?

no really i dont have any problems with jesus, ya know, its not my favourite line from a song is tori amos', 'so you can make me cum, does that make you jesus?'

me and jesus are cool. i figure we're got an understanding. it kinda goes along the lines of hey dude, you preaching? no? Excellent. We're chill like that, he kinda just follows his own rules and i follow mine.

because you wanna know what pisses me off?

shut up i dont care, you're gonna hear it anyway or you can just bugger off. ANYWAY

when people who are all 'i believe this' dont do what they're supposed to do/not do.

THAT FUCKS ME OFF.

cause im an all or nothing kinda gal.

im like if you love me LOVE me and if i love you i'll LOVE you.

and this is not a dig at catholisicm (or however you spell it), its just a dig at people not following through.

like muslims dont drink. and i used to know some preachy muslims who did drink AND ate pork and i'm like, bugger off with your preaching. like dont even talk to me about who and your beliefs and your ideology if you're not even attempting to follow through. cause im sorry its not that fucking hard. if you believe in your religion and its teaching and it says dont drink, just dont fucking do it, ITS NOT THAT HARD. Or at least feel fucking bad after you do it and try your darn hardest not to.

right, i just wanted to say that.

i also wanted to say that i've been calling my dog, my the name of SKY all day, which is actually my budgie's name. the dog is called Amber. yeah the budgie looks like the sky... amber is amber coloured. Simple minds.....

so its now 18.00 ish

and i got up at noon ish, and i started writing at noon 30 ish and i had maybe a small 30-40 ish minute break

im stopping now

i dont know if im loving/hating this working for oneself malarky

it seems to mean i start work later but end up working late. hm

i should shower.

then smeg is coming over.

AND the script is better a bit, yeah i think so.

and the proposal isnt too rambly.

so hm yes.

AND its not about the same topic as my first play!

I was really really worried that id sit down and write and then then a month later id look at it and be like, OH crap, this is the same play.

ANYWAY its not.

which is good.

and i have taken out all the lines that i stole from regina songs.

hm yes i do believe that is all.

god im gettin bored of blogging.

like really it is kinda boring a bit though. do you not think? 

like i like u (some of u, hehehe evil mistress)

and i like writing stuff down.

but it is a bit like, it all is a bit false isnt it.

and the whole, NO ABUSE, thing, come on! GIMMIE SOME ABUSE! 

it's kinda just like, wohoo a new place to pretend and lie about my EXCITING life?

no?

maybe im wrong

maybe you all do really care about each other

prove me wrong

i want you to

i really wanna believe that you really do like each other that much

im totally up for being converted

i think i posted something like this before, but i dont care, i still feel the same... 

x 

he said hed leave it on the doorstep, can i just go to bed?

PLEASE LET ME GO TO BED!!!!!!