hm

just had an arguement with my dad

hm

god i really believe in the theories of miseducation, in the idea that one is completely miseducated throughout ones childhood uses the rest of ones fucking long life attempting to reeducate oneself.

nature V nurture

nurture wins out until you hit maybe, hm it was probably 17 for me, im sure it varies from person to person. I think for some people nurture wins out full stop. which is a pity.

because really you're parents dont know jack shit do they? I mean your parents dont know more than anybody else their age, they are not the oracles and you would believe EVERYTHING some random 60 year old told you so why believe all that your parents say. they dont know. of course yes they are older, and yes they have gained a lot of knowledge through time and experience but that's really where it ends.

i believe in nature.

i believe in myself.

i believe in my body.

do you ever wonder what it'd be like to erase your memory? do you ever wonder who youd be if you grew up in a different place with different parents and different teachers and different siblings. do you ever wonder what you'd be like if you had taken up that place to study law and not done drama instead?

i do.

but its ok.

because where I am now. things are quite clear now.

im fighting a lot.

im struggling a lot.

i have a lot of anger.

i have a lot of tears.

but its ok.

because i know all this. i know about the miseducation and i can see it clearly now and i know about my nature and im beginning to know who i am.

will i always be fighting?

yes i think so.

but hopefully less with myself.

my mom just came to talk to me. that was nice.

my skin is looking better.

im going to genies in a bit.

my brother is leaving on wednesday i think.

hes dreadful to them.

they take it.

and seeing that again, i understand me a little bit more.

they hadnt seen him in a year.

my mom says, 'he hasnt changed, hes horrible isnt he'

i say, 'yes'

and i talk and i chatter and i smile and i try and i try and i try to be bigger than him.

'just ignore it'

and im angry at myself. i know what im doing i know im tryin to cover it, i know im filling the silence, i know im easing the tension. but its a cover, its pretense, it's putting a bandage over a wound.

and im angry.

i want them to make a stand.

but they're old. they're tired. they shouldnt have to.

i want to do something i want to make him see.

but he never will.

but HOW DO I KNOW THAT?

well i tried, in the past i've tried.

should i try again now? i dont know.