im finding more and more that im hating blogging.

it makes me itch.

i know it sounds really stupid but day in and day out im finding it increasingly addictive. and i dont like that.

i hate the idea of crutches.

i always have.

it's one of the main reasons i dont drink.

it's also one of the main reasons i dont take pills, ie asprine etc...

i started this blog to be closer to someone to be more appart of her life. which yeah i think thats a pretty ok reason. thats fine. i didnt really expect it to become a part of my life.

i dont like valentia.

i find her whingy and depressive and pathetic and needy and rude and angry and vulger and violent.

and though i am some and all and many of those things from time to time, she is a lot more extreme.

when i write here something else takes over. i dont really understand it.

i wanted to be uncencored here i wanted to be all the ugly things that i am HERE, so that i wouldnt have to be them in real life.

but i dont want to share any more.

it's becoming distructive. its becoming an obsession.

and i dont like valentia and i dont want you to see my as her, cause i know when you meet me you want to call me her name and i dont like that. cause im not her. she scares me alittle, i think she scares you alittle. i dont like that.

i dont think i'll do this any more.

im sorry.

you know when im being a receptionist and im fucking bored and im just surfing, this was nice, it was nice to have you then. and for all you office monkeys this is genius! but for me, for who i am. i dont.

shite.

but ill miss u

ill miss u sammy.

ill miss swan.

ill miss bunny.

but i want, i really want to be appart of this, i like this community but it's making me sad. i cant seem to write here and not be sad. why the fuck is that.  

i should have known this!

i should never have begun this!

when i was younger, i dont know, about 15, i used to do the chatroom thing a lot, and i got SO addicted to it, i got addicted to the lying and the fantasy and i literally had to cut myself off from it cause i got completely immersed, i invented this whole character, this whole me who was a english student and was was gettin slapped about by her boyfriend???

so i shouldnt have done this.

so i should have just ya know, texted the girl!

I'm wondering if i can give this up but still read your blogs and comment cause i dont really want to let you go. but im getting the feeling that thatd be cheating. im gettin the feeling that i cant do that. im gettin sad that this is goodbye.

FUCK

why is this so melodramatic!

its a fucking webpage that i write shit on and fucking imaginary people who i dont even fucking know read!

so yeah if you wanna get it touch get in touch, some of you im already in touch with which is great and shall continue.

sorry hyperion, im really sorry.

all meldramatic *baby it's not you, it's me!!!!!!!!* 

laters aite! peace mo fos.

xxxxxxx